Looking back I did not realize how hard the flu hit me. I lost my appetite and found I had little energy to do the tasks that needed to be done. Yesterday when I stepped on the scale I weighed under 160 pounds. I have not weighed that low since high school! My ears started to plug up again but now it starts early in the morning and continues well into the night. Each breath I take echoes between my ears. Every word I speak vibrates in some cavity I must have inside my head. That makes it very difficult to speak or carry on a ‘normal’ conversation. Many have prayed for God to clear my ears. I have begged God to at least allow my ears to be clear when I speak but for the last two Sundays my ears have remained plugged which has really force me to concentrate on what God wants me to say.
I have also struggled with guilt feelings because I have not been able to fulfill my duties as pastor. A lady from the church, for example, is facing a very aggressive form of cancer but I have not been able to visit with her in the hospital. I am so grateful for those who have stepped in and ministered to her. My appetite has returned especially for the old stand by meat and potatoes!. Slowly my strength is returning and for the first time in several weeks I was able to complete my prayer walk, a time for both prayer and exercise.
The message God has laid on my heart have spoken into my life. I have struggled with the feeling of entitlement that God owes me for my service. God is not in debt to me. He does not owe me health or prosperity or anything else. He is faithful and His mercies are new every morning because we need His mercies everyday. He choose, yes desires to bless me with peace and grace and mercy. I am not in control. I thought we had our future pretty much planned out. Wow has that changed! Now I wonder what lifestyle changes I should consider in the not-to-distant future? Nor do I know what is best because I cannot see around the next corner nor do I know when I will face the next bend. I think it would be best if my ears cleared up when I speak but God has chosen a completely different approach. I find myself throughout the day asking God to ‘not lead me into temptation’ and ‘to deliver me from the evil one.’
God’s word continues to encourage me. ‘Though I walk in the midst of trouble, You will revive me. You will stretch forth your hand against the wrath of my enemies and Your right hand will save me. The LORD will accomplish what concerns me. Your loving kindness, oh LORD is everlasting. Do not forsake the works of thy hands.’ (Psalm 138:7, 8)
What is the new norm? I do not know and sometimes I find that a bit scary. I do know that God is in complete control and that He will accomplish wht concerns me.