Perhaps a little background will help understand where I am coming from as I discuss my journey. I will be 69 in April. I have served as a minister in various churches for some forty five years. I am married with four grown children and nine grandchildren ranging in age from two to twelve. We have been married for 45 ½ years.
On Monday, two weeks ago, my wife and I had an appointment with a neurologist to discuss some health concerns that have a risen in the last several months. For some time I have experience difficulties with my voice. I had an irritation in my throat that caused me to cough and lose my voice. In addition phlegm would build up and cause my ear(s) to act like they were plugged. When I saw a throat specialist last summer he suggested to my personal physician, un-be-know to me the possibility of Parkinson. Last fall when I visited my physician I mentioned a slight tremor in my right hand. These two symptoms convinced my physician that I should see a neurologist.
After conducting numerous tests the young neurologist concluded I have the symptoms of early stages of Parkinson’s disease. Even though I knew that was a possibility his words hit me like a ton of bricks. He indicated I could live for an additional 15 to 20 years or more but that I would probably end up in a wheel chair. Wow! I dread the thought of being an invalid especially if I also experience dementia. A whole wave of emotions washed over me! I felt (feel) anger. This is so unfair. I have tried to faithfully serve God for some 45 years and this is my reward? I had planned to retire sometime next year and enjoy retirement for the next many years. My mom lived to be 98. I wanted to outlive her! All those plans came crashing down around me. At that moment the future suddenly seemed so bleak and uncertain.
How do I tell my family? The church I serve? I do not want to become a burden to my family or the church. Should I resign sooner than I had planned? Every ache and pain or misstep or inability to remember a name or any small change in routine now begs the question is this a sign of the deterioration of this disease? That thought is always on the back burner. I have been healthy to this point in my life, perhaps even proud of that fact. How will my associates, the leaders who work with me, people in the church, those whom I consider friends respond to the symptoms of tremors or drooling or speech difficulties? I can hear some of the responses! You need to confess your sin! I know I have sinned but is this punishment from God? Right now it feels that way! (I know Jesus took the punishment for all my sin but my heart has not caught up to that truth as yet.) You need to pray God will heal you! You don’t think I have not begged God to heal me? In the middle of the night when I cannot sleep I have knelt by our couch begging God to heal me, even just clear my ears so I don’t not have this constant echo in my head! Is this the new norm? You say it is a lack of faith? I do not think so but can you loan me some of yours if you feel that way? God has a reason He allowed this in your life! I am hanging on to that but is there no other way for God to accomplish His purpose? Whom the Lord loves He disciplines! Right! Does this not seem a bit harsh? All things work together for good to those who love God! OK but that seems so far down the road I find that had to grab onto right now let alone fully believe.
In my mind I picture the group of old timers who regularly meet at Tims for coffee. Some of them are pushing the upper eighties. I have joined them from time to time and envisioned joining them or a group like them after I retire. Sure some have aches and pains but for the most part they seem healthy and vibrant. I feel jealous that I probably will not enjoy good health at that age. It does not seem fair!
In all this turmoil and grief God has broken through. As my wife snuggled into my arms last night she said ‘we will see this through together!’ That meant the world to me as if the arms of God were wrapped around me. The fear of my wife leaving me as the disease progresses is one fear I do not have!
In my Bible reading in the last few days three verses or thoughts meant a lot to me. 2 Corinthians 12:9 – ‘My grace is sufficient for you for power is perfected in weakness.’ I cannot say I can state I fully accept or understand the last part ‘most gladly therefore I will rather boast about my weakness that the power of Christ may dwell in me.’ I know one thing I sure feel weak right now. Esther 4:14 – ‘Who knows whether you have not attained royalty (Parkinson’s) for such a time as this?’ What purpose does God have for me in allowing this disease to invade my body? Does He want me to post a blog or write about my experience? Should I let the church walk with me through my journey by sharing honestly and openly with them? Job 2:4-6 – Skin for skin! Yes all that a man has he will give for his life. However put forth your hand now and touch his bone and his flesh and he will curse Thee to your face. So the LORD said to Satan ‘behold he is in your power, only spare his life!’ Is there some showdown between God and Satan over my illness? How can God receive glory from my illness?
I have shared with Chris, the one I am mentoring to be a senior pastor. What a mentorship this could be as together we walk through the next days and months.
So here I sit, my one ear plugged, trying to put into words the feelings and emotions I am experiencing. I know I need to make the best of the good years I still have ahead but I also need to deal with all these emotions. That is why I will try to express them and write them down on my computer.